Hello and welcome to another edition of Offside, written after a rather chaotic day of football that saw the mighty Vikings, led by Erling Haaland, knock out the Samba boys of Brazil. Meanwhile, 10-man England gave us a hint of football’s version of magic realism by getting a red card in a knockout game and still showing the famed stiff British upper lip, which is almost always non-existent on a football pitch after a team goes a man down, before beating Mexico 3-2.But let’s deconstruct the day from the beginning.Brazil under Carlo Ancelotti were one of the tournament’s favourites, a team that might not have the glitter of yesteryear’s Seleção but was still a solid side led by Don Ancelotti, whose eyebrows have won five Champions Leagues as a manager. Up against them was a plucky Norwegian side chock-a-block with grinders, now being led to new heights by Erling Haaland, who turns 26 later this month and could break every scoring record, club and country, by the time he is done. The match was billed as a sequel to the Premier League showdown between Arsenal centre-back Gabriel and Haaland, but that would be a disservice to the Norway squad.Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it and Norway, lest we forget, still have not lost to Brazil. The stats now read: Norway three wins, two draws, Brazil zero. And yet, for major parts of the game, Haaland was quiet. It was Ørjan Nyland who was the hero of the night, repeatedly keeping Brazil out and making save after save, including from a Bruno Guimarães penalty.With the end of the game approaching, Haaland finally appeared to remember that he was more than a Premier League god, rising over the Gabriel. Viking 1: Archangel 0. With his Thor-like powers back, Haaland scored the second with a crisp finish from outside the box, making it 30 goals in his past 17 competitive fixtures for Norway.
By the time Neymar came on to score a late penalty for nostalgia’s sake, it was too little, too late. Now there will be an inquisition back home, but the hexa remains a curse that Brazil just cannot break. At this moment, it is Norway who have set up a mouth-watering clash with England.The English-speaking world that does not follow football might know fictional footballers such as Santiago Muñez from Goal or Dani Rojas from Ted Lasso more closely than actual ones, but Mexico are a proud footballing nation that had lost only twice in competitive matches at the Azteca since 1966. Yet England managed to breach their defence twice in 98 seconds: Jude Bellingham first finished off a gorgeous Bukayo Saka cross with a diving header before exchanging passes with Harry Kane and scoring again. Until then, Mexico had not conceded a single goal in this World Cup.What followed was carnage as Mexico first got one back before Jarell Quansah was sent off for showing his studs.It was another of those red cards that feel almost inevitable because once VAR gets involved, yellow is rarely an option, but we will get to that later. At that time, English fans would have wondered if the curse of the Azteca, where Maradona once flirted with divine authority, and the usual English unravelling were going to take over. Football tournaments, after all, are chock-a-block with England leading in a game before folding like a Miami condo after getting a red card, like Beckham in 1998 and Rooney in 2006. Add the fact that Mexico had not conceded a goal at this World Cup and had lost only twice in 89 competitive fixtures at the Azteca since 1966, and you can see the uphill task, literally and figuratively, for England.Instead of folding, England dug deep for a performance that the English press described as their greatest World Cup victory since 1966.
The scoreline said 3-2 after the match at the historic Azteca, but that hardly captures the chaos: Harry Kane losing his voice, Jordan Henderson getting a yellow card from the bench and then being hospitalised after injuring his wrist during celebrations, and the Mexicans hearing the song they never wanted to hear in the stadium: It’s coming home.The only downside is that, until the next match, our timelines are going to be an endless loop of English smugness and Albion nostalgia, where James Bond and George Smiley are still securing the realm and life in England is a Kipling-meets-Higgins fantasia. But that could end very soon because Haaland and Norway are next.Now, history will tell us that Viking plunderers intrinsically shaped the Anglo-Saxon identity by forcing its kingdoms to unite, rather like Westeros against the army of the dead. Alfred’s Wessex survived the Great Heathen Army, built fortified burhs, fought back at Edington, and made the peace that helped carve out the Danelaw. From that pressure came the long road to a united English crown under Athelstan.Of course, this time the Vikings have a weapon more dangerous than crossbows and longboats: Erling Haaland, who looks like a Targaryen heir and is roughly the size of one of their dragons.
Red Card Redemption?
While the knives are out for FIFA over Article 27, in some circles now known as the Ronaldo Rule, it is oddly reminiscent of the craziest football movie ever made: Shaolin Soccer. For the uninitiated, the martial arts flick starring and directed by Stephen Chow, of Kung Fu Hustle fame, is about Shaolin monks using their powers to play football. The movie had a villain called Fung, who rigs the entire system, including referees. While that seemed ridiculous, football’s governing body has made that reality after Trump ostensibly spoke to FIFA and got US striker Folarin Balogun a reprieve from his automatic suspension.From Iran’s treatment to visa and immigration issues affecting players, officials, fans and referees, this has been a tournament that has threatened to decimate the veneer of impartiality around this World Cup.
Portugal vs Spain
12. 30am ISTThe Iberian derby is upon us as two former colonial powers face off. There is a distinct Yoda vs Baby Yoda feel to this, with Ronaldo looking and moving like an octogenarian instead of a quadragenarian, while Yamal is playing like he is channelling Johan Cruyff’s ghost. Spain have hit top gear in recent weeks, while Portugal have been doing their best impression of The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, with Ronaldo the obvious ageing albatross around their neck.Warrior WatchAll eyes will be on the 18-year-old Lamine Yamal, who was baptised by football’s pontifex Lionel Messi as an infant, while Portugal will look to Bruno Fernandes to pull the strings the way he did during the Premier League season. The last time these two met at a World Cup, Ronaldo’s hat-trick virtually ended David de Gea’s aura, or at least stole the mojo that had once made him look invincible.
Battle PlanIn the match against Croatia, Portugal did show they can do better when the team presses together to make up for Ronaldo’s lack of pressing. They have to ensure they do not let Spain play their delightful little triangles all over the pitch because when Pedri, Rodri and Co get going, there is no stopping them. Portugal will hope they can defend resolutely and hit Spain on the break.Dinner Table ConvoBrazil paid for Neymar nostalgia. Will Portugal now have Ronaldo regret?
USA vs Belgium
The match already has controversy written all over it thanks to the reprieve for Folarin Balogun after a Trump phone call, but there are more talking points, like Mauricio Pochettino finally turning the US into a serious footballing team with a doctrine similar to Trump’s: We are America, b****. While US teams have performed well in the past, never have they gone against a vintage European side looking this much like a contender. There is barely any glitter left in Belgium’s Golden Generation, as they edged past Senegal in a mad, mad match.
Warrior WatchAll eyes will be on Folarin Balogun after his red-card redemption, while Belgium will hope for another Romelu Lukaku cameo to save them.Battle PlanThe US will hope to use the crowd to power their team forward and let Balogun stretch the ageing Belgium side. Belgium will hope to kill the atmosphere with an early goal.Dinner Table ConvoCan Trump ask my boss to give me a better appraisal too?
